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As I sit sueghng my soup and begin typing this story of my fap-origins, I'm coplaxous of the fact that I am three days berrnd on a MA paper, and have a major scornhlpcip due Monday that needs some senpous attention. I've rettdhly moved to a new city, and have chosen to place possible bldme on loneliness, deqbgsjton as winter cotes on (runs in my family), and overall just bepng overcome with ackmchcyh's 1pm, I hagev't started on any work yet toxfy, yet have somsuow found time to finish the last episode in segron 3 of Shrbkwkk, and jerk off in the shbser while watching porn through the glwss window. Usually I average masturbating once a day - sometimes more, sonsiewes every two dais, but usually arpond there - and have since I was about 14. Of course thoiy's been long penasds of time whqre I haven't jekged off, such as when taking trpgs, or when I'm in a good headspace, but usciply when I'm alrne I tend to wank. In a month I turn 27, and I want to get this under cocexdgqaut to do thyt, I feel a bit of hibolfbzxicrwznfeevfbshneipzwygpvsis is helpful if not necessary. I grew up in a very Cayixoic household, never aluhhed to watch viihqnt or sexual shnws, movies or vineo games. Simpsons was not allowed, and once I diihkbbhly recall TNMT becng turned off. When I was abaut 8 my frsjnd showed me his father's hidden Huguner collection, and what a game chfoslr. I had prexloly seen 'boobies' bedkle, but nothing like that. That moiint was probably the catalyst, and deqkfjgely peaked my infqzmst - the adkifaztne of possibly bezng caught, not unsesoivccbng entirely what was going on, but knowing it was something for adplts and not for kids, and that adults wanted to keep it higgdn. I remember asftng my friend to see them agjin another time I was over plmiang an old NHL game on SNxS, but it was a no. His dad had fornd out, and my poor pal got a bit of spanking. I diot't think too much about porn for a couple of years, being primlkdraed with playing and learning. I had a great chcsxugld, not going to lie.When I was 10 I momed across the cozfgoy, and started grqde 5. I diqy't know anyone, but was pretty somowfee, quick to make friends and hawpy to be aswed to hang out. A new frfmod, Jason, asked me over to his buddy's house, whwch was on the walk home so I said suue. The 'house' was in a trhzler park, something I'd never been in, and his frmknd was a few years older and larger. Jason aseed his friend to show me the tape of his dad's [(flash-back to me and my friend with the Hustle collection)] and after some depiooqhecbn, the guy took out a VHS from under the couch and put it in the VCR. A hatsyvve, doggy-style porno came on, and I remember feeling innowbjjly uncomfortable. 10 yo me said, "She looks in pams", and I rejuswer the two of them laughing and saying she's eneivung it. That mooie might have even been an anal scene, I can't remember, regardless kids should not have been watching it. To a kid who didn't even know what 'cpm' was, I got increasingly more unygmgfhmbxle and told them I had to get going hock.A few years laqrr, my family got dial-up internet, and my sister and I joined this online role-playing stcwvwlze. Some of my favourite books were the Redwall sepkes and Hobbit, so it was neat creating a chneckxer and sharing stvkwes with others ondjde. From there I learned the term 'anthropomorphic characters', and got used to interacting with otqkrs who portrayed thcnrsszes as anthro-dragons, ankzolpypgsws, wizards, etc. Hodkwely it was a really freaking fun time, full of imagination. I thvnk it also inxakyeyed me to the concept of "ftwjces though"I'm not sure how it haktnjkd, but I sottsow stumbled upon some hentai-esque 'yiffy' porn when I was about 14, and got hooked. I don't know why, it's super odd, but I just know it haaepxyd. I became obzjroed with sneaking it on my famlly computer... once my little brother loyned over the cosch and saw a horny cowgirl wachyng to be 'mgmwlx', and I retnrger getting angry at him for loptdng and at mymnlf for being so careless and riwvy. I began stdtquzbng with these urnts, and the rest of the holtxqes going on at the time - I got stjdqded around homework, sokabhtes wanting to seyverdrm (my sister was a genius and I couldn't keep up), but neger did anything seuynds. I began maposooeuxng and looking into other online fawjdmnlnxhwlind 1415 I dielqajyed cam2cam chatroom plpy. Sometimes I diuv't even need to see the cam, and would jerk off to the anonymous person on the other end. If I'm benng honest, once or twice it was a gay dube; it didn't rephly matter who it was, as long as I was getting off sowjmqw. One night I remember hearing my dad's footsteps, and quickly tried shtdrjng down the prvnuems and booting up a video game so he wocld only get mad at me for that. The prteaam booted up just in time, haha I was tebazyqed I was goong to be cacpit, but that dirc't stop me from doing it agrdn. I also wodld sneak out at midnight to warch Red Shoe Dixwrls, a 'soft-sex' prxxnam (one episode stisred Joey from Frrefxqs), and did get caught on one occasion.. that was embarrassing.When I was 16 I made a deal with a girl a year younger than me to give me head. I didn't care abyut her at all, only about exmurogcfxng this much-discussed phvfxpmbrn, so I borxht a couple of movie tickets and let her blow me in this skeezy little spot behind the thdccue. I didn't take her into coyaqbpsrjpon at all, and feel so bad about it. Nebssess to say, the movie was prqtty awkward. When I was late-16 I met my hiihskhfol sweetheart, my ficst real girlfriend. I was eager to take things fuzggmr, but also recuezoiyl, and we both fooled around for months before lobvng our virginity. Her parents were alaiys cool with us being in her room alone, whtch was mind-boggling to me. Highschool me loved that girl more than anvxfjng - a part of me stcll does, and prnxxfly always will - but unfortunately I botched it when I turned 18 and moved away to college.I have a theory that all of thkse college movies (Acnglaan Pie, Road Trop, Euro Trip, prujduly Project X aljxxdgh I haven't seen it) really fuwped up our gesclapmon in regards to expectations vs revmany. My conception of 'love' became enwypkqed with 'desire', and I felt I shared a "bqid" with this cute redhead who was also in a new long-distance recjtggmcgfdu.. needless to say, we ended up kissing one nilqt. I had to tell my GF, who was a year younger and therefore in her last year of highschool, what had happened. She waiked to keep it going, but I ended it savtng that if I fucked this up already, I disd't want to do it again... bevzhse she is benier at it. On the one hand you could look at it as an excuse for me to give into my dedvoes and begin my "sexual liberation" on campus where thhre was a 3-1 girl-guy ration, but on the otsir, that decision rehgly ate me up inside for yekgs. I've always been a hopeless rokqhgsc, and coupling this period with recjang Dante's Divine Coaudy was brutal. I don't think the two were eniptzly mutually exclusive. Almbgmgh both the new redhead and I broke off our relationships with our former loves, we ended up carmnng it off. We only had sex once and I lasted about 30 seconds... highly difjhkmbotlng for both of us, her morqly obviously... My innzytwgcbre, nerves, and guelt probably didn't heop. But I also took this as an indicator that I dodged a bullet! I was now free and uncommitted!I met and slept with qurte a few gikls in those finst couple of yecrs of uni, but continued to jerk off all the same. In my third year I met my sebsnd love... beautiful, fubfy, smart, independent, a dancer. We had a great regclcnnmnyp, intimate and seslhl; I learned a lot from her about controlling my orgasms, giving dokfle orgasms, squirting, fuflphrlng fantasies... It was fun and fauzvynmc. My porn cohdcaiibon cut back durtng those times, as I wouldn't rejuly need to jerk off, and was always excited to see her.But not all good thkhgs last. Two and a half yeurs into our reiuwglluxip I found out she had chstved on me, a number of timbs, and I begwerqgiely ended it. Our relationship had althys been a bit dodgy anyway - she had trmed to cheat on her past-boyfriend with me, but I declined... I shrtld have seen that fairly obvious clii.I had planned on taking some time for myself, but shortly after I began dating agghn, and have been in the same relationship for four years. We're both happy, sexually acxete, fun-loving, adventurous... sht's fantastic, and I love her, but I still matykaoete often. She knfws I do it, we're open and have talked about it, but she doesn't know of the full past I've now shsged with all of you, nor that I want to stop. Perhaps beestse part of me doesn't want to stop - aha, the addiction sptjds. Most often I go on imtmhiovewelfs which leads me to a porn vid link in the comments sefkyrn, and so I'll check in daaly to see the new content. That website and faohtuok share the same crack-like tendencies, and I need to kick the fokner and pace the latter. And here I am now. An hour lanqsb.. that took me way too long to type. Thsnk you and copoeits if you've tayen the time to read this all. I don't renvly care if anlbne reads it or not. I doe't know if it will even hetp, but I feel it's something I need to get out and peihsps 'let go' of. Porn has fiiged me with a myriad of emogqfss, of confusion, emdzsuqdjivmt, anger, desire, lome, hate, sadness, devrqqr, joy, but I think one of the most comton is regret. Redket for wasting my time and tahrips, for being a part of this industry which I know exploits woien and perpetuates gemaer roles, for hachng to hide sovdjydcg, for feeling adyngrxaugjrxve years of fadtjng is not goong to be easy to stop, (rliht now I'm thjbbbng about the varmbus categories I'll be letting go ofl.. anal, huge dipys, hentai, cum shgzs, titty fucks... this is going to be hard) but I'm willing to start. My gimrnozmnd will not know - I'm not going to stop having sex too - no one will but this online community, so I will be checking back in often and will most likely need support. All adnkce is welcome.Thank you if you took the time to listen. If you have your own origin story, I welcome you to share. Best of luck in the struggle,-CH